"Drag"ing two chicks through a Train Graveyard.

So Flower Chick and I woke up, and got the hell out of the stinkin' in we were Inn. Wait...the hell out of the stinkin' Inn we were in. We walked to Don Corneo's Mansion, way up to the far end of Wall Market. Seriously this guy has the friggin' life. He sits in his quite fancy mansion all day, and every few nights gets three chicks lined up in front of him, and he gets to canoodle his favorite chick each night! The lucky so-an-so.

Now, can I just say that the following was TOTALLY Aeris' idea, and I was NOT up for it. But she decided that to get into the gaff to save Tita. However, the doorman was actually surprisingly competant, so we had to use our subtle skills. We went to every shop, every bar, every everything, asking had anyone seen a girl called Tifa, hoping we'd find out how the hell she got in with the Don. That is when we stumbled onto the most amazing place I've ever seen in my LIFE.



My Spiky-hair brings all the Honeys to the Inn.

Yes my readers, this is the Honey Bee Inn. The most wonderful of wonders. Unfortunatly, I couldn't get into it without a Members Card. Thankfully, there was a man who was facing a moral dilemma about entering the haven. So I just snatched it out of his sweaty indecisive paws and pegged it inside.

The babes... oh god the babes... I ran around looking at all the different rooms in sheer glee and anticipation. There were only two rooms left. The *$&# Room, and The Group Room. I chose the latter, hoping to have a heap of Honeys heaving on top of me.

And that's EXACTLY what happened. There was no troupe of Village People Clones. There was no men in that room at all. Nope. Just me. Just me and many women. Nope. No Moustaches at all.

Long story short, I had to dress up as a woman by getting loads of different people loads of things and doing them favours. (I make a very pretty lady. It's cause I'm awesome.)

We got into the Don's House, and Aeris and Tita met. They didn't have a bitch fight over being my hoe or not, which was a major dissappointment. But we bet up Don Corneo's Lacky's and the man himself. Tifa was kinda upset when she found out that Shin-Ra was planning on blowing up the support that was holding the Plate above the Sector 7 slums. Unfortunatly, the Don had a little lever (tee hee) that when he pulled (tee hee) a trapdoor opened under us and we fell into the sewers.

We spent a worrying amount of time trawling through the sewers... but it had to be done. Thankfully, Tita randomly breaking down into paniced tears kept me entertained. (Her bewbs move a LOT when she cries!)

So we climbed up the ladder to get the hell out of the sewers AT FRIGGIN LAST, and ended up in the Train Graveyard in sector 7. Clearly this meant that the pillar was still standing. Now that I was IN sector 7, I realised that if I didn't help save the day, I'D be crushed as well. So we got moving.


When we finally made it, Tita decided to announce:

"We made it! The pillar's standing!"

... Well DUH. We had spent roughly 30 minutes in Sector 7 at this stage, and does she mean to say she NEVER copped it that had the pillar been destroyed Sector 7 would be a big pile of rubble?!

We looked up to see Barret at the top of the pillar, shooting at as many different baddies as could be see, when SUDDENLY, Wedge fell down. (He was one of the crew that helped blow up the Reactor. Both potential lays (Aeris/Stalker Flower Girl and Tifa/Tita) stood and looked at me, so I knelt beside him and askd how he was. Seemingly the dude understood how awesome I actually am, and in an awestruck voice thanked me for knowing his name. Obviously the laws of physics have double standards here, as I fell from roughly the same height and yet, didn't die. (Must get those Cards printed...)

Potential Lay #1 sent Potential Lay#2 away to get Barret's daughter, and we bolted up the really long stairs. I friggin hate stairs. I really do. I hope I never have to go up this many stairs again in my life. Really. If I do have to go up stairs again, I will become suicidal/homicidal/insane (er).

We got to Barret, who was shooting at a helicopter. Obviously the dudes with the bomb were in it. Suddenly this Reno guy (he was stalking Aeris in the church) showed up to press a self-destruct buttton on the pillar. Now yet again, I see a major problem with the world. If this wasn't my life and instead it was a film or game, I'd pause, and point frantically saying "PLOTHOLE! PLOTHOLE!" Why on EARTH someone would build a huge pillar supporting many peoples homes and lives, and protecting many others and install an "EMERGENCEY RELEASE" button that is actually beyond me... but it was built that way apparently.

So we fought this Reno dude, and kicked his ginger butt. But then ANOTHER of these "Turks" assholes showed up, complete with a kidnapped Stalker Flower Girl. We tried to save her, but failed MISERABLY. (That is to say, Tita and Barret TOTALLY slowed me down and I would've been fine on my own.)

So I'm blogging from Aeris' house in Sector 5... We all just about got out of there by the skin of Barrets teeth. For the first time EVER in a long time... I actually felt bad.

Loads of people died, because of something we started. And more importantly, loads of people who's pants were still unknown to me.

STALKER FLOWER GIRL!!!

Oh god. This is such a horrible situation.

Mmkay, remember that flower seller I mentioned in my last post? She’s back. Back with a flowery vengence. BUT, before I get ahead of myself let me catch you all up.

Barret (I’m still not sure if that’s his name, but it’s gotten to the point where asking if it is his name would lead to an awkward silence…) tried to get us all up well early in the morning. I ignored the babboon, and went back to sleep. He tried to hit me, but thanks to my suave sophistication and charm last night, Tifa/Tita defended me saying I needed some sleep.

When I finally woke up they were both waiting on me upstairs. I climbed up (on the PINBALL MACHINE LIFT! Seriously, glad to know that they are getting something right.) Barret (still unsure) asked me to teach him how to equip Materia and such. I was extrememly tempted to tell him that to use Materia you have to shove it into a bodily orifice that cannot be seen during the day, but Tifa’s presence stalled me. I haven't gotten into her pants yet, I need to pretend to be nice.

ish.

Blah Blah Boring Train ride to surface Blah Blah Jumped out Blah Blah Heard someone else call him Barret I’m safe Blah Blah Crawling through vents and planted the bomb Blah Blah.

We were leaving the Reactor when all of a sudden the freaking President of the Shin-Ra Electrical Company shows up. Now, here is where I can see that Barret is really and truly all talk. President Shin-Ra was standing not to far away, and chatting away to us. AVALANCHE want to stop Shin-Ra… so why the HELL didn’t Barret open fire?! I mean the dude has a GUN FOR A HAND. And we’re talking about a good few minutes! It wasn’t a brief “HAI! HELLO! BYE!” Do not get me wrong though good readers, I don’t give a damn about AVALANCHE’s goals, but surely, if they want to achieve them, they’ll want to have a leader with a brain, not just a deadly weapon for a limb.

Shin-Ra then set a robot on us. We fought, and it was fun. Except for the part were the sub-par robot decided to blow up when we destroyed it. It blew a hole in the bridge, and I fell to my doom, never to be seen again…

Well actually… I was seen again. YET again, proof of my sheer brilliance shone through, when I survived a fall at LEAST a couple of hundred feet. I woke up, and my nostils freaked out at the smell of something that wasn't horrible. (later turned out to be the scent of loads of flowers) According to the Freaky Flower Girl (Whose name is Aeris) I fell through the roof, and it combined with her Flower (patch) broke my fall, but not my back!

I'm thinking of getting business cards that say "Cloud Strife, too awesome to obey the Laws of Physics."

I ended up kipping in her spare room in her mom's house. (Her mom is awesome, she ASKED me to bail!) and so I did. However, you may have noticed, I have taken to calling her "Freaky" Flower Girl. For one simple reason. I left her house, then I ran through the square of sector 5, and just when I got to the entrance to Sector 6?

BAMF!

CRAZY STALKER FLOWER GIRL IS THERE!

Anywho, I tried my darndest to escape her, but she's as bad as an STI. Easy to catch, a bitch to get rid of. Not that I have OR had STI's... I just heard... from others.

We sat around in the playground in Sector 6 for a bit.. (Which, SERIOUSLY looks like something right out of a nightmare... but then again, I grew up in f&£ing Nibelheim...) When suddenly, the Sector 7 gates open, and THERE IS TITA! She dissappeared in a Chocobo Cart, but Aeris and I ran after her... After much investigation, we found out that Don Corneo is looking for a "wife" for tomorrow night... So we'll hopefully find/save Tifa then.

So I'm using the computer now in the Inn in Sector 6. Just thought I'd post, and now I'm going to look up some pr0n.

AVALANCHE of childhood memories...

Hmm... Okay, well if you have been following me on Twitter, you'll know that I've moved to Midgar. (Where-ever the hell I was before, I must have had some freaking amazing party, as my memory is hazy at best.)

So I'm blogging from a stupid basement of a stupid bar in the stupid Sector 7 slums of awesome Midgar. I should be up on the plate, where the real people are. I should be seeing the LOVELESS play, but instead I'm blogging from a computer that only has Internet Explorer as a browser... But to be honest, I doubt I'd enjoy the play. I mean, I love the original poem, before the writer became a total sell-out and started appealing to the friggin' masses.

Anyway. So how did I end up in a dive bar? Well, it's actually run by a girl that grew up with me... Tifa Lockhart... (Girl filled OUT) She is working with some charity that helps people deal with bereavement of trees... or something. I dunno. The big black guy with a gun for an arm (Barret I think) going on and on about it. I decided to pretend to care, then quickly changed my mind and told him that I didn't care. However, he had to be reminded of this an unbelievable amount of times.

So AVALANCHE and I hopped on the train to do something with balloons... or something to do with blowing up. Being annoyed at the fact that they all refused to change their name to "Cloud's Courageous Lackeys" I took refuge on the roof of the train. When we reached our destination, I was again annoyed at the lack of awe in the group I'm helping. I very obviously did an amazing ONE HANDED cartwheel off the train to bring a little bit of cheer to the dreary lives of the folk, but not an ounce of appreciation did I get. I cheered myself up by acquiring a few potions from the knocked out (and QUITE androgynous) guards lying on the ground.

So we continued onwards... I could go on a bit about what we did, but Tifa begged me not to be to OBVIOUS. (All I'll say is that there was lots of fire and "KABOOM" noises!) I will say two things though. The ginger chick, (Bessie?) got into an elevator and she stood at the door, and asked ME to press the button to go down the elevator. Also, WHY could we not take the elevator ALL the way to the Reactor? Why were we forced to clamber over pipes and girders?!

Thankfully, when we finally left the Reactor (aka burning heap of rubble!) I got surrounded by a load of 102932nd class SOLDIERS. Seriously, they were weak. I jumped onto the roof of the train, and somersaulted in to the carriage. THANKFULLY I got the reaction I deserved THIS time.

Lets fast forward a while for the chance to complain about the Gun-Guy. (IS it Bullet? Barret? Broccoli?) 1500 GIL?! I hope that he is friggin' KIDDING!!! I attempted to walk out in outrage.

Most horrifically, Tifa (Who has seriously filled out... She shall now be called Tit-a.) declared that I was walking out on a childhood friend. .... OUCH! Years ago, she made me promise that when I become the awesome hawtness that I am today, and she ever needed a hand with something, I'd help. What could I do? I apologised, but to retain my epic cool aloof personality, allowed her to "reminisce" and "remind" me.

Anyway. I best sleep. We have more bombing to do apparently. Tita is coming tomoz. Sweet.

P.S: Forgot to mention, I literally bumped into a slamming hottie that was selling flowers. (Not HER flower unfortunately... BOOM BOOM!) Shame that I was a wanted man at the time. Totally would've gotten her number!

Cloud Complains Series!

So.... It has most certainly been a while!

Many things have happened, Christmas, New Years, Exams, This....

But most horrifically? I forgot about my Blog. Well... Not "forgot", but College took over.

I am now promising my return with my new blogging series CLOUD COMPLAINS!

If you are familiar with "Final Fantasy VII" then be excited. If not? Read this! I will be replaying it, blogging (and tweeting) as the game's main character Cloud Strife.

Hopefully, you'll like it, laugh and follow!

I might occasionally post as myself... so to differentiate, I'll have two authors!

Til then!